Labor, delivery, recovery, and my beautiful baby Lily

(This one’s very, very long and a bit graphic, sorry. You’ve been warned, read on if you choose.)

It’s almost as though I’ve been robbed of the one thing all mothers share. I have no labor and delivery horror story. In fact, I admit that it was pretty darn easy. At my 39-week appointment on Thursday, my doctor recommended that I come in on Saturday, July 26^th, for a scheduled induction. I was already 4 cm dilated and having increasing contractions and cramping. According to my doctor, Lily was ready, I was ready, and we should go for it. So after saying yes, followed by a morning of second-guessing our decision, Khan and I ultimately chose to go ahead and go for it. And we definitely made the right decision.

That Friday night, neither of us slept much. Obviously, the anticipation of the next day played a role in that, but the bigger culprit was the increasing frequency of my contractions. They were about 20 minutes apart when we left for the hospital. We did manage to get some sleep, and in the morning, we packed the car and left to go have a baby.

When we got there, we got settled into our room and met our labor and delivery nurse, Cheri. She was awesome. She was obviously competent (a reassuring characteristic for a very nervous Kate), and she was very good at making me feel relaxed. We started with the epidural. In previous weeks, I’d had ideas of waiting to see if I’d need it, but at that point, I was ready to just trust my doctor. Smartest thing I did.

Khan and I enjoyed a really nice, relaxing morning together. Nurses and doctors came in from time to time to check this or that, but for the better part of the morning, it was just me and him. We talked a lot about our new life with Lily, and really just enjoyed our time together.

Dr. Reichman got there around 10:00 in her workout gear. She checked to see how far along I was and broke my water. She said she’d be back around noon after her workout, and told me things would be moving quickly at that point. She said I’d have my baby by late afternoon.

Cheri checked my progress around 11:30 and I was 8 cm dilated. By the time Dr. Reichman got there, I was 9-10 cm dilated and my contractions were regular and close together. Khan and I watched the contractions go by on the monitor. Dr. Reichman said we’d give Lily a little more time to let her head move further down into my pelvis, and then we’d start pushing.

Eventually, they told me we’d start pushing at 2:10. Khan was instructed to hold back my left leg and Cheri held my right leg. I was instructed to take a deep breath and push as hard as I could for a count of 10. We did this for each contraction. I couldn’t see what was going on, but Khan was telling me. I was bit too occupied to stop and watch. Khan kept telling me I had to see this, and I said I’m busy. But Cheri insisted and said I couldn’t miss this as she pulled down the blankets and things in my way. And at 2:31, I saw her as she came into this world – easily the most surreal moment of my life. My first thought was of how big she was – she was a full-grown baby! Somehow, I’d pictured her smaller in the womb, but as she stretched out her arms and legs, I saw my full-grown baby girl with all that black hair.

Cheri handed her to me and I held my girl for the first time. Honestly, the moment was too fast and too overwhelming for emotion. It still hadn’t really hit me. (Honestly, I’m not sure if it has just yet.)

Within a couple of hours, after cleaning up Lily, testing her for various reasons, and finishing up some repair work on me, we were on the second floor of the hospital in recovery. Labor and delivery were a breeze. Recovery was where I’d find my challenges 

Those two and a half days are already a blur for me. It’s probably better that way.

My first job was to feed my baby. Failing at breastfeeding had been one of my biggest fears. I’m not sure why it’s so important to me. Formula-fed babies do just fine, too. But I know the benefits of breastfeeding. And I wanted my perfect, wonderful baby to have the best.

The short version is that it didn’t go well. It turns out that one of the most natural and amazing things about motherhood is not easy and requires learning. Lily had a hard time latching on, and I didn’t know how to help her. She got frustrated, and I got frustrated. If not for the amazing help of the nurses and the lactation consultant at the hospital, I’m quite sure I would’ve given up before we even got home.

Adding to my frustration was that as the epidural wore off, I began to realize that I was in a lot of pain, and that pain wasn’t going to fade quickly. Every way I moved hurt. 

After the first night of miserable attempts at breastfeeding, neither Khan or I got any sleep at all. By Sunday afternoon, I had my first major meltdown. No sleep, frustration over breastfeeding, and just being overwhelmed by all of it, it was just too much. (I got talked to three times about post partum depression.) I wanted to send Lily to the nursery so that we could sleep. At first Khan didn’t want to, but I think he realized I needed it, and he agreed. As soon as the nurses came and got her, I felt even worse than before. I’d just sent away my baby girl.

A lot of tears and a phone call to a reassuring expert later, I was feeling a little bit better. We brought Lily back and tried some more at the breastfeeding. By this time, we’d had some successes, but I was still anxious about it because I couldn’t do without help. Later that night, we let Lily go back to the nursery so we could get some sleep. Second smartest thing I did because we both needed the sleep – badly.

By the time we left, we’d had enough success with breastfeeding that I felt confident about keeping it up. And we were finally feeling ready to go home with our beautiful baby girl.

And she’s amazing. Every cliché about motherhood is true. I had no idea I had the room in my heart to love this much. And until she holds her own baby one day, she won’t have any idea how much she’s loved right now.