Confession: I've had a pretty bad case of the baby blues since the night we brought Lily home. That's not even true, my meltdowns started in the hospital. It sucks. There's really no pretty way to say it -- it really just sucks. On one hand, I'm so in love with my new baby girl and being a mother, and on the other hand, all I want to do is cry. All. the. time. Sometimes I can identify a reason for the tears, like the night I cried for hours because I don't want to take Lily to day care. Other times, I have no explanation and that seems to make it worse. Worse because of the guilt. I feel so guilty that I'm not happy all the time, and I just want to pick up my baby girl and tell her I'm sorry that I feel this way and it's not her fault. She's wonderful, and I want to be the happy, loving mama she deserves.
I make this confession today because I'm hoping today is the last day of feeling this way. Or at the very least, the beginning of the end. It feels like I've hit rock bottom today, and I'm hoping that writing it out here will help me get it out of me for good. And it's no coincidence that today is also the day that Nana went home after almost two weeks of staying here helping take care of Lily.
Being a mother is wonderful, yes. More wonderful than anything I've ever felt in my life. But it's also the most overwhelmed I've ever felt in my life. And when Nana was here, she helped me deal with it all. Besides helping with groceries, laundry, and all the cooking, Nana helped take care of Lily. She burped her after after nursing, held her when she cried, and changed plenty of diapers. And she helped me with all the things I know nothing about, like how to bathe Lily or how to clean out her eyes because of her blocked tear ducts. And she was here to tell me this is normal, that's normal, and yes, it's going to get easier.
And now, Nana had to go home and back to her real life and it's time for me and Khan to take care of Lily on our own. Amazing that as much as Lily needs her mama right now, she may need her mama just as much when she's 30 years old.
Oh Kate....trust me, it'll get easier. I went through the same thing with Connor. And it'll go away. It will. Please let me know if you need us to help with anything at all.
ReplyDeleteKate, although I've had plenty of depression, it's never been the hormone-induced postpartum kind. Almost every new mom I've ever known has had baby blues; but that usually only lasts a week. If it's longer, talk to your doc; there are things you can take to help that won't be a problem with breast-feeding (and Nana told me that Lily is a very INTENT little eater!). Nobody has to feel as bad as it sounds like you feel, really, and it IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! It's not weak to ask your doc for help; I wish I'd done it sooner. I hope that things improve so you can just enjoy Lily without tears. (And I do understand the crying for no reason, believe me!). If you ever want to talk about it, while I'm not a professional or a mom, I do know a bit about depression, and trying to cope with too much at once. Take care of yourself so you can enjoy your darling baby! Love,
ReplyDeleteLori