One year later

Listen, I know that today is Lily's first birthday, and it's all about her. And I know that now that I'm a mother I'm supposed to be some kind of selfless martyr. But if you're even reading this then you know me well enough to know that I need to indulge my selfishness from time to time and today happens to be one of those times. If you're not in the mood for that, well, you can oooh and ahh over the picture posted above and wait patiently for me to post pictures of Lily's first birthday party.

A year ago today life was pretty drastically different. Lily had the most challenging job of all of us in making her entrance to the world and then trying to cope with what she found here. But just for the official record, she wasn't the only one who had to make some pretty major adjustments. Her dad and I had our lives turned upside down and inside out as well.

A year ago today I was so clueless. A year ago tomorrow I sat on the floor of the bathroom of my room in the hospital after more than 24 hours without sleep, crying on the phone to my best friend because I had no clue what to do. Her reassuring words were encouraging though not convincing.

A year ago I wondered how I would feed her on my own, how would I change that diaper, how could I do any of it?

Somehow, during these last 12 months, I've figured it out. Mostly. But fortunately, I wasn't alone. I had the help of supportive family and friends, but so much more than that, I had Khan. While the rest of the world praised him for being "such an involved father," I rolled my eyes at the compliment because I never expected less than that of him. Lucky for me, too, because I needed him as much as Lily did.

What a roller coaster ride this last year has been. Even at the bottom of some of the most terrible lows in the days and weeks following Lily's birth, I was always comforted by the profound joy that filled my heart just by the sight of her. And as much as I loved her in those newborn days, nothing could've prepared me for the love that I have for her now. Gawd, it just grows exponentially every day. I could sit and watch her do whatever she does and never get bored.

Motherhood -- parenthood -- is such a balancing act of the most challenging moments of my lfe coupled with the most fulfilling. It's a depth of joy and love that is matched only by the burden of the fear that accompanies it. I just got home from her birthday party, and it was a blast. And as my baby sleeps in her crib -- in her own room -- I sat down to do some mindless surfing on the internet, and what's one of the first things I read? A story about a 17-month-old baby girl who choked on a piece of hot dog. Her mom was an EMT but she was unable to dislodge the hot dog, and I'm in tears over it. I'm honestly not sure there's a force great enough to get me to take my next breath if something like that ever happened. That's the burden.

Then there's the smile on her face when I pick her up from daycare. The way she snuggles her little body as close to me as she can when she's falling asleep. Her little arms reaching out for me to pick her up. The pride in her smile when she gets Kitty to take a treat from her. The bounce in her booty when she's dancing to the ABC song. The way she lays her head on my shoulder for a hug. This is the joy that gives me the strength to carry the burden.

Wow, this was a depressing post, wasn't it? Sorry. I'll post a happier birthday post tomorrow.