Oh, the things we (parents) agonize about.

Everything.

Am I right? Or is it just me  (and the other crazies)?

We worry about the stupid little things. But then there are the big things (well, not big big, but big enough).

Like the first day of kindergarten. Or a dance recital in front of a big crowd of people. And I worry about fears, tears, and worse.

For nothing. No reason whatsoever.

First, I had to put her in her costume for the recital. I pinned her hair back, attached the flowers, and applied her makeup as instructed. Yes, makeup. Poor Khan. Every time I added a little eye shadow or mascara, I was punching him in the gut. He cringed. (And I applied so little that the "backstage moms" felt the need to add more.)

But the result was, well, a blow to the gut. Good gawd she is a beautiful girl, in my entirely biased opinion.

Though she looked the part of the little ballerina, I was worried about her confidence. She had practiced and practiced. I had seen her Colors of the Wind routine countless times. This was my favorite part:

When it came time for the recital, I  was Aly Raisman's mom.

But it wasn't her routine I was worried about -- it was stage fright. What if she is too scared to even come out on the stage? Of course her routine wasn't in the first half of the show. Not even the beginning of the second half. They made me wait until the very end.

100 years passed, and then her class was up.

I thought this kid would be too scared to come out and show her stuff.

She performed her routine flawlessly, but this smile was the only thing I needed to see.

I did it all over again with kindergarten. I worried all summer that it would be too overwhelming for her. She wouldn't want to stay. Sure, she had been used to going to "school" since she was 11 weeks old. But she was out of that habit after being home with me all summer long. Andplusalso, a different school, different teachers, and different friends. 

We walked her in, lots of smiles. I braced myself for the goodbye. 

  

Obligatory cute picture, still smiles. 

And then something happened I didn't see coming. Mrs. Teacher told her where to put her things, and instructed her on how to do her morning work. She went right to work.

 Trying to get a check on her feelings, but she was busy. She had morning work to do.

The truth is I have been guilty of underestimating Lily from the start. Always thinking she needed me to do this for her, or she’s not ready for that, and oh gawd, whenever she tries something at the playground. I just knew she was going to fall off that bar.  

I realize that sometimes she’s going to fall. Sometimes she’s going to need help, and sometimes she’s just going to fail. I get it. But it doesn’t keep me from me being scared of it, or trying to avoid it. But the problem is, I worry so much about the possibility of a fall, I never see it coming when she soars. I'm working on it.

 
Of course there were a few tears on her first day of kindergarten  -- they just weren't hers.